Nick
Sept 20th is the hardest day of the year for me. It is the anniversary of the worst day of my life, but a memory of one of the best people I have known and loved. It is the anniversary of the death of my son Nick, who committed suicide at 19. He was bi polar (manic depressive) all his life, and today he would have been diagnosed by the time he was 4 years old (although I suspected it when he was 2 or even younger), and then psychiatrists didn’t diagnose bi polar that early, so he wasn’t diagnosed until he was 16, three years before he died.
He was an absolutely amazing person, with incredible talent in writing and music. He was the lead singer in a successful band, had toured the country with them several times,wrote songs and lyrics, was a terrific writer, and had a great sense of humor. He was a gorgeous, funny, wonderful boy, and so greatly loved by us all. In spite of his illness, he was one of the funniest people, and made us all laugh a lot of the time. (He never went anywhere without a whoopee cushion, and used it often and well, a tradition we’ve tried to live up to, although he was a lot gutsier about when he used it and on whom!!!). There are a million silly stories in the family about him, and he left a huge hole in all of us when he died. It is one of those terrible life events that change everything, you think you cant live through, but you have to. There is no other choice. He died 13 years ago, and would be 32 years old today, although that’s hard to believe. It seems like he was here yesterday, and he will always be 19 in my mind. He will live forever in my heart.
I wrote a book about him, his victories and struggles with his illness. It’s called “His Bright Light, the story of Nick Traina.” And he is still remembered by his young fans, who write to his web site, still hang his posters and listen to his music in college dorms. His music was a mixture of punk and reggae, and some of his writing and lyrics were very wise for someone so young. He faced a lot of challenges with his illness and it gave him depth and maturity beyond his years. And in writing the book, I wanted to share the experience with others suffering from bi polar, or their loved ones or families, so they wouldn’t feel so alone. Many people live well in spite of the disease, and lead productive lives. Nick wasn’t one of the lucky ones to survive, but many people do.
So this is a hard day for me and my family. There is no easy way to get through it. His birthday is tough too (and most holidays when his absence is felt even more sorely than on ordinary days, when we feel it too). But his birthday is the anniversary of a once happy day, and he was such a joyful person that it’s hard to remember in a sad way. But the anniversary of his passing is just a very tough day. Some years are worse than others. I used to try and spend the day in a useful way, and for 12 years, I spent it working among the homeless, which is one of my passions, and was something I got involved in because helping the homeless was very important to him. He played concerts for them whenever possible, and would always stop and buy someone a meal if he saw that they were in need on the streets. Last year I spent the day on an airplane, between Paris and New York, to meet two of my daughters for dinner so we could be together on a hard day. But it’s pretty hard to turn this date into a good day. All we can do is remember him with all the love we had, be together, and know how much we miss him.
If you have lost someone you love dearly, my heart goes out to you as well. It’s not an easy thing to live through, but we grow from it. All hard experiences make us stronger and better, wiser, more compassionate, more loving and even closer to those we love. I’m sure losing Nick has brought our family even closer than it was before. There are blessings in these hard experiences if you look for them. And as they say, you are stronger in the broken places. “In each loss there is a gain…..and with each ending comes a new beginning.” Nicky’s life was much too short, but what a huge blessing it was. Some life stories are not as long as we hope they will be, and I wish Nick’s had been longer, but I am grateful for every minute we had with him for those precious 19 years. And he has helped so many people through the book I wrote about him, and the two foundations we established in his memory (for mental illness, and to help the homeless). May today be a peaceful, loving day for you, and I hope for us as well. Nick would have wanted it that way. Thank you for sharing these memories of him with me on this day.
Love, Danielle
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I am so sorry for your loss. I remember that time in your life vividly and also read your wonderful loving book about Nick.
I lost my father to a brutal murder 4 years ago, and my very first thought was I didn’t want that moment to define his life or my memory of him. I wanted to remember the life he led beforehand and all the good memories.
I also wanted to make a difference in someone elses life as a way of honoring my wonderful dad’s memory, so I started an organization for seniors in assisted living called Everyday Matinees For Seniors. I bring movies on a bi weekly basis to let them check out for free and volunteers and myself chat with them and have the best time.
Thinking of you and your family on this difficult day and sending warm hugs and loving thoughts your way! xxoo 🙂
I am so sorry about your loss…
I did read your book about your son many years ago when it first came out, but feel I should revisit it… I can’t even imagine anything more painful than losing a child… My son is 15, and it seems silly that we think our children will just always be there… I want to take note and just really embrace our time together…
I have suffered with depression since my teens and now I’m in my forties… I know how deeply painful mental illness can be…
My heart is with you on this day… and always…
What a wonderful picture of you and Nick. Thank you for writing about him again. It must be so hard to lose a child to suicide.
Love,
Charlene
A long time fan from Tennessee
I too lost a son and so I do know the pain you feel on the day they left. I keep going by knowing he is no longer in pain and that helps so much. I will always love & miss him but he did bring joy to my life and I am grateful too have had him for 46 years. I also have 3 daughters who also loved and babied him for years. Best wishes to you and your family from a true fan. I have all your books in hard back and I read and re-read them all. Thank you so much. Eva
Sometimes whentwo separate situations have great similarity, one has a tendancy to call it irony, but in this case it gives you goosebumps. My wife caries around “His Bright Light” and for good reason. Yesterday (September 20th) would have been her son Justin’s 25th birthday, but he committed suiside earlier this year. He was Bi-Polar, diagnosed at 16 as having Bi-Polar disorder with psychotic episodes. We have lived first hand everything you (Danielle) layout in that book. But the fact that Justin’s birthday is on the aniversay of Nick’s death gives us chills. We also have a 9 year old and 7 years old. The 7 year old (Cody), especially shows so many of the characteristics you discribe and that my wife Kathy witnessed in a young Justin. So far both children have been diagnosed with ADHD not Bi-polar. We are getting Cody a third Psych eval, this time at University of North Texas, Psychological Clinic in Denton, Texas. It has been a tough road for us, as we have a blended family with almost all of the children having some form of a diagnoseable learning disability or mental health condition.
My wife really relates with you, if there is any information that could share that may help us with making sure our little ones don’t go down the same road as Nick and Justin, we would be so in your debt.
We both work for FEMA in Denton, TX; Kathy’s email is kathleen.twing@dhs.gov and her phone is 972-832-3184. Thank you for sharing Nick with us, it really helped Kathy get through Justin’s death. It helped her to see it was the disease not parental failure.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I recently read your book about Nick for the first time. Thank you for sharing his story. I could imagine the pain that you all were experiencing because my nephew is mentally ill, not bipolar though. It has caused my brother, his dad, to attempt suicide himself and as a result he is in chronic physical pain. My nephew also attempted suicide but fortunately was okay afterwards. He is now in a mental institution. Therefore, I want to thank you for setting up a foundation to help the mentally ill. Life can seem too hard at times but we have to keep going, somehow. Thank you again for sharing these things with us.
I also had a hard time with Sept. 20th, itt was once a day of celebration but now it is the 25th birthday my son never made it to. On March 27, 2010 my son was only 24 and he lost his battle with Bipolar. As I read your book about Nick, I can’t help but to laugh and cry. It has been really hard to read sometimes, I say this because I have walked in your shoes down the same streets. So much about Nick is the exact same life Justin and I had the worst part is that our story ends the same as your family’s story ended. I can’t believe how 2 people can have had a life so much alike. I wish I had known about your book before March 27th. I have a hole in my heart now and his birthday Sept. 20th just destroyed me. I also have a 7 year old I fear shares some of the same demons along with other problems added yet we can’t get a good diagnosis we live paycheck to paycheck and now paying for his third psych evaluate yet no clear diagnosis. All these years later yet we are no further ahead with our mental health system. I can’t lose another child to bipolar, admitted, speech, or social issues just because his symptoms don’t fit neatly in one box or another. Do u know of any other tests or evals we could follow up with to prevent a mothers worst nightmare from happening AGAIN? I could not survive this heartbreak again and need to help him now before it’s too late. I know all too well how this destroys a part of you that will never heal. I am sorry for you loss, but he is not hurting anymore and waiting to be with you again.
I also had a hard time with Sept. 20th, itt was once a day of celebration but now it is the 25th birthday my son never made it to. On March 27, 2010 my son was only 24 and he lost his battle with Bipolar. As I read your book about Nick, I can’t help but to laugh and cry. It has been really hard to read sometimes, I say this because I have walked in your shoes down the same streets. So much about Nick is the exact same life Justin and I had the worst part is that our story ends the same as your family’s story ended. I can’t believe how 2 people can have had a life so much alike. I wish I had known about your book before March 27th. I have a hole in my heart now and his birthday Sept. 20th just destroyed me. I also have a 7 year old I fear shares some of the same demons along with other problems added yet we can’t get a good diagnosis we live paycheck to paycheck and now paying for his third psych evaluate yet no clear diagnosis. All these years later yet we are no further ahead with our mental health system. I can’t lose another child to bipolar, admitted, speech, or social issues just because his symptoms don’t fit neatly in one box or another. Do u know of any other tests or evals we could follow up with to prevent a mothers worst nightmare from happening AGAIN? I could not survive this heartbreak again and need to help him now before it’s too late. I know all too well how this destroys a part of you that will never heal. I am sorry for you loss, but he is not hurting anymore and waiting to be with you again.
Danielle, you have been weighing on my mind today and I didnt know why. I even wrote you a e-mail this morning. Now I come to your web site and see what this day is. I read your book “His bright light” and I must say it was a very sad thing that you went thru with your family. Oh how I feel for you and can not imagine loosing a child. You are very courageous and very strong Danielle. May god be with you thru this difficult time.
Love, Deborah Heilman
Losing a dear one to suicide must be very hurting. But just believe that it was God’s plan anyway,and that there was no other way even if. May God keep you stronger.
I remember when your son Nick died. I thought to myself, I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost my one and only son. I think I would die too. My thoughts and prayers are with you once again in the hopes that God will give you the strength every year to celebrate this wonderful gift from God on his birthday and to remember all the good times and memories he left you and his family on the day he left this world. God Bless you and your family.
Thinking of you on this sad anniversary.
The book you wrote about Nick is my favorite most treasured book that you wrote. I fell in love with him through that book and I think I’ve said this before it’s one of the few books I can read over and over again. May his beautiful soul rest in peace.
i’m so sorry to hear about your son…he has been clearly portrified to all of your ardent fans through your book about him.you had a wonderful chance for beeing the mother of nick.we love you all.always wishing you good luck!!!!your writing are marvellous.
I am so sorry for your loss. The anniversary of my Dad’s death is always a really hard one for me, too, even twenty-five years on.
I am truly sorry for your loss. His memory is always alive within you and in that memory good causes come to life and provide comfort for those who are homeless and those who suffer from Bipolar. I am sure he would be very proud of you for continuing with his legacy of giving to the unfortunate.
I just finished the biography you wrote about Nick, it made me laugh, it made me cry and it made me really think. My daughter was diagnosed bi-polar and after reading your book and seeing what you went through and the love you had for Nick, i don’t feel all alone anymore..My daughter will be 19 in November and she just started her freshman year of college, She is going to school in Kansas and I live in Oregon.. I talk to her every day and her friends call me all the time when they feel like things are going arye, The are a God send, especially die to the fact that I am not right there with her. I have started doing some research into bi-polar. There is alot that I have learned that I never did know prior to reading Nick’s story. as I said earlier I no longer feel all alone. God Bless You and your family.. Jill
still so sorry
after all these years , of course it never gets easy…you are in my prayers and i read the wonderful book about your beloved son . It is hard to lose a child, but how you did is so disheartning and hard…be strong in love and life…
kim gregory
it is well
have just read your book about nick, im so heartbroken for you all, i have bipolar disorder and could relate a lot to nick. i also dye my hair daily and i have the tattoo “only god can judge me” also. thank you for telling his story as i was also going to stop my lithium as i have been well at the moment, this has convinced me not to, once again thank you for this book and making people more aware of this horrible disease, my best wishes
jackie xx
It really goes to show how much every dollar counts when it comes to fundraising for mental health research when you consider that your poor son, god rest his soul was diagnosed at 16. My deepest condolences to you and your family. I had the great pleasure of reading your novel, His Bright Light. What a fabulously talented young man and an inspiration to aspiring musicians. I had the good fortune of going to a Link 80 gig many years ago and was truly bowled over by his musical ability and stage prescence.
just finished legacy~ u never dissapoint!!!!!
Dearest Danielle, i am reading His bright Light again. Nick vient juste de naitre et c’est toujours le plus gros et le plus beau bébé du monde:D Je ne saurais vous expliquer ce que je ressens pour Nick, even though i did not get the privilege to know him. I see myself in his pain and hope he is peaceful where he is now. JE vous souhaite tout le courage et la force du monde en attendant de le revoir..
I just recently read the story of Nick, it was a
very moving and indepth story. I can’t imagine
how hard it must have been to write. Now that you
have written it and it contains so many beautiful
pictures it will be a lasting testiment to his
life. I lost my husband 19yrs ago very suddenly
and I have many wonderful memories but sad to say
I do not have a lot of pictures and all my memories are inside my head. I wish I could
have done as you did.
God Bless
Louise Nov 25/10
I’m Thilivhali, from Southern Africa. I would just like to say to you that I really learned a lot from the book you wrote about Nick. It is very inspirational, and a good motivator, at the same time it instil a sense of understanding that there are things in this world that are beyond our control and with that we just have to accept and acknowledge that only God knows.
I’m also sure that the purpose of the book was served because your books are sold all over the world and I’m positive that a lot of people who are suffering from bipolar learned a lot from the book and they now have an understanding of what it is all about.
Thank you for everything. we’ll always remember Nick.
One thing I won’t forget is the poem he wrote for you. It really showed how much he appreciated your love, respect, the fact that you care about him, etc. And this is something that most people in their early and late teens don’t appreciate or value as important.
Thank you very much.
Dear Danielle,
I finshed your book about Nick end of last year. It was very touching and somehow feels a little like I knew him too now. My husband is Bipolar, we have been married for 12 years now. He was diagnosed July 2010, even though I begged for a diagnosis in June 2009 when he was in hospital for a week after wanting to commit suicide. They just diagnosed major depression. I didn’t stop there and got the right diagnosis a year later.
He is a wonderful husband and father to Matthew(7) and Nicole(6) and I love him dearly, but sometimes it is so hard for me. It’s hard to see him suffer and ‘fight his demons’ like you said in your book. I wish I could take away the part inside him that he has to fight against to survive this illness. I fear everyday that I will come home and find him hanging from a tree or somewhere on the floor, but I pray for that day never to come. He takes all his medication and together with Melanie (his doctor) we keep an eye on him. He is such a sensitive soul and I don’t want him to leave us. I wish there was a cure. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share Nick with me,and for loving him so much through his life, all they really need is to be loved and feel safe and special. Once Sam wanted to shoot himself, I went and sat on him and held him as tight as I could and just kept on telling him how special he is and how much I love him.Eventually he was calm and could talk about his feelings.
You are such a special person, your book gave me words to feelings I didn’t know how to describe and words to describe what Sam is going through, because it’s hard to describe it to someone else when they don’t live with it everyday.
Thank you so much – you are a flower in my garden.
Love
Christelle Bester
Alberton, Johannesburg
South Africa
19 Jan 2011
I am so sorry for your loss…
I have 3 children, one of them is Ben, he is 12 years old. My mother suggested I read your book we he was just a toddler. He is very different from my other children, and I have long suspected bi-polar. But this diagnosis is not confirmed. He has talked of suicide since he was 9 or 10, and has been through many counselors. We are on a limited budget and currently working with someone who may be able to help. Diagnosis is critical, and as his mother, I don’t feel we have it right. Was Nick or his father ever diagnosed with Narcissism?
You really make it appear so easy with your presentation but I in finding this matter to be actually one thing which I think I might by no means understand. It seems too complex and very large for me. I am having a look forward for your next put up, I will try to get the hang of it!
whoah this weblog is excellent i love studying your posts. Stay up the good paintings! You understand, a lot of people are searching round for this info, you could help them greatly.
I have read many of your books and I especially love within lumiere.A through this book i knew nick I learned to love and obviously mourn his death.
May he rest in peace, thank you for letting us know nick thank you for this book and all the others you are a great writer and a mom extraordinary.
And I’m sure of where he is, he is very happy and watching over you. God bless you